When I was a wee young sproglette and new to the work force, I spent several years working as a “Sandwich Artist” at Subway. Was it a glorious occupation? No. But it was by no means the most miserable job I ever had; and as far as food service goes, you could really do worse. The work is easy, the place smells great, it pays better than minimum wage, and you get free food.**

Anyway. We have a Subway a couple blocks away from our apartment, and sometimes I’m overcome with a craving; so I tootle on down to ye old sammich shop, and — depending on who’s working — I usually get a perfectly serviceable sandwich. But once in awhile I’m wholly uninspired by the folks behind the counter. Like today.

Sandwich-making isn’t rocket science; I know this first-hand. It’s easy as can be; and especially when the restaurant is not very busy, it’s not asking too much for the employees to accommodate simple requests — since it is, in fact, part of the business plan that I get to tell them what I want on my sandwich.

I’m not a picky bitch. I’m specific and clear — and polite. But when the kid behind the counter just ignores me, doesn’t listen, screws things up, and doesn’t want to fix any of her screw-ups … okay, fine. I get a smidge pissy.

Ergo, I propose the following: When an employee is certified as a Sandwich Artist, he or she ought to receive a little card identifying him or her as such; and this little card ought to authorize the holder to jaunt behind the counter at any Subway location, so that the bearer can make his or her own damn sandwich with impunity (even after that person’s term of employment has ended).

There would be restrictions, of course. People who have been fired, who are wearing inappropriate shoes, or are maintaining unsatisfactory levels of personal hygiene ought to be refused this privilege — and specific permissions should to be left to on-site manager (or senior employee) discretion. Perhaps there could be some sort of “continuing education” program in which former employees must participate every now and again, to make sure they still understand chain standards and inspection-passing matters of cleanliness.

I would totally be game to attend a one-hour class once a year in order to maintain that kind of card-holder status. I’m just sayin’.