I used to make a joke about the ultimate liberal arts essay cheat; in order to earn an A from your English or History teacher, you must remember these things three: (1). the middle class is rising (2). the French are indulging a revolution and (3). some country or another is experiencing dangerous levels of Nationalism.

The first two are pretty easy to defend--they can be argued as more or less true over a variety of topics and time periods. If your instructor argues that (in the period being discussed) the middle class was actually declining, then you must casually redefine your terms to include whatever social group was upwardly mobile at the time. And if the French weren't holding a biannual political uprising and barbecue cook-off, perhaps they were revolting against literary conventions of the day or against wearing practical clothes. Who can fathom those wacky French people, anyway?

But Nationalism--now that's a tricky one. Nationalism tends to rear its ugly head during those turbulent, regionally embarrassing moments of history that we enlightened members of nation-states shuffle past with a garbled clearing of the throat and a mumbled, "Yes, well, that was then. Times have changed." Nationalism brings us things like Fascists and Nazis, and as everyone who has seen Indiana Jones knows, Nazis are bad news.

But there's a synonym for Nationalism, and that's the ever-so-popular, less negatively tinted word "Patriotism." Patriotism isn't dangerous, it's good--it's inspiring. It's hand-over-your-heart love for your country and for your fellow countrypersons. It's the socially reinforced glue that makes people weepy before a baseball game. It's the politically condoned Pledge of Allegiance, delivered by a chorus of voices quivering with pride. It's mom. It's apple pie. It's a yellow ribbon tied 'round the old oak tree. It's the flag billowing from Aunt Bea's front porch while the Memorial Day parade goes rolling by.

Good stuff, that. Two thumbs up for Patriotism. No doubt about it.
I must be wrong about that whole "Nationalism" thing. Not synonyms--the dictionary be damned. The same capitalized abstraction that prompts small children to wave plastic flags cannot possibly be the same capitalized abstraction that brings out the Mussolini in otherwise ordinary points of latitude and longitude.

But this does bring up another question--no small question, in this confusing day and age: how does one go about being a Patriotic American™ without toppling into unconsidered fanaticism? Every day I turn on the news or surf the net and watch citizens beat each other up to play the "Whose More Patriotic?" game, and there's just no good way to know who's right.


Submitted, by way of example, Ted Koppel and the great name-reading affair that the Sinclair Broadcast Group refused to air on ABC. Just TRY taking that one apart.

Is Sinclair the greater Patriotic entity for its hypothetical desire to protect the American families of fallen American soldiers by not parading their American loss on American television ... or is Ted the greater Patriot, because he theoretically wants to honor the memory of fallen American soldiers and remind his mourning fellow Americans of the personal cost of American war? Oh, how Sinclair Broadcast Group wants to preserve and encourage American support for this American war, and prevent inflammatory rhetoric from fanning the flames of American apathy; but Patriot Ted is making a heartfelt statement about the American losses incurred, and reminding Americans that these fine, dead armed American servicemen and women ought not be treated as just a rising American statistic.

And remember those flag-draped coffin pictures?
Was the government being Patriotically respectful to initially forbid their publication, or were those who published the photos being Patriotic in their celebration of fallen heroes? Was it Patriotic to withhold the pictures, or Patriotic to display them? Is it Patriotic to support the war at all costs, or is it Patriotic to want America to quit sacrificing Americans to pursue it?

Somebody please clue me in, here--WHAT is the Patriotically Correct stance?
I need to figure out whether or not I want to take it.

What bothers me most, I think, is the way this political oneupmanship by necessity propels people farther into the extremes. As all sides grope harder to establish Patriotic dominance [and by extension, political and social authority], ideological contestants are forced to reach deeper into that Nationalistic territory to defend themselves from accusations of anti-American sentiments. The question "Who's More Patriotic?" comes to be rephrased as, "Who Loves America Most?" And trouble follows. Eventually you end up with jackasses who love America so much that their very affiliation with the USA makes it okay for them to strip, hog-tie and faux-bugger prisoners of war--and then we ALL look like a bunch of hypocritical morons who couldn't spell "Geneva" if it was stitched into Dubya's stripey tie. No wonder the rest of the world hates us.

And yes, these things are quite closely related. You can only love your country so much before you start to disdain everyone else's country ... and everyone else. Haven't you noticed? It's Patriotism when we have it, and Nationalism when other countries have it. Oh yes, it's fitting and good for us to love America, it is right for us to love America. We're Patriotic when we love our country, because ours is the bestest in the whole wide world and everyone else's country is second rate, so all those other people are probably a little stupid to love their country as much as we love our country. That makes US right, and THEM wrong. Voila! Moral authority is ours, and anything done to anyone else in the name of protecting, serving or uplifting our country is valid and good.

Such is logical result of this escalating attitude of defensive superiority--at some point, "Hooray! We're great and we're proud to be us!" turns into, "Hooray! We're better than everyone else so we can do whatever we want!" The hopelessly foggy line between (yay!) Patriotism and (boo!) Nationalism grows foggier still.

It ought to be pointed out that a ruling body with shady intentions would be very well served to take a firm toe and rub out as much of that line as possible. If you take home grown, corn-fed Patriots and convince them that activities normally left under the far end of the Naughty Nationalism spectrum are fair game, you've got a rabid bunch of morally autistic yes-men and yes-women at your immediate disposal. You furthermore have a group of voting constituents who fear and reject any questions, speculations or even the most gently hesitant claims that the present course of action is less than Heaven ordained and super-spectacular. So long as you're working on behalf of the biggest, bestest, most gosh-darned fantastic country on God's green earth there's no room for doubt.

However, if it turns out you're NOT working on behalf of Our Lord's Manifest Destiny, well, what a right big bastard you've been all this time. Therefore, it's safer for good Patriots to stay in the camp that props up their resolve and assures them they're on the right side--especially because more than a few of them are secretly afraid that they're not.

~w_w~

p.s.
not altogether unrelated,
John Kerry is a douche bag but I'm voting for him anyway.