[Mild spoilers to follow, though if you've ever seen any of the
Prophecy movies, this film is already spoiled to death for you.]

John Constantine, The Revelations


1:1 This is the Revelation of Cherie Priest, which the Bijou Theater gave her to show to her readers the things which were done to Hellblazer, which was sent and made known by Warner Brothers to this fangirl and her friends, 1:2 who testify to God’s word, and of the testimony of Alan Moore, about everything that we saw. 1:3 Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this Revelation, and keep the things that are written in it, for the time to flee the theater is at hand.

1:7 Behold, I saw Keanu Reeves, dressed as a wayward junior member of the Blues Brothers. All the tribes of the earth did mourn over him. Even so, Amen. 1:8 “This is John Constantine, asshole,” says the catastrophic casting choice, “who is and who was and who is to come, the blonde Englishman. Sort of.”

1:9 I Cherie, your blogger and partner with you in oppression, movie-going readers, and perseverance in fangirl pursuits, was in that theater that is called Bijou because of Spider's encouragement and the testimony of many shockingly un-bad reviews on my friends list. 1:10 I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s day, and I heard behind me a loud voice, like a trumpet 1:11 saying, “What you see, write in a blog and send to the interweb: to LiveJournal, BlogSpot, Xanga, TypePad, BoingBoing, Fark, and to others.”

1:12 I sat in the darkness with Jym and Spider, and together we did watch with our mouths agape. 1:13 For this was not the worst movie we had ever seen. 1:14 Indeed, it was far better than Alone in the Dark ... but our eyes were like a flame of fire. 1:15 What was this movie called, again -- The Prophecy IV? For lo, this could be worse, but between the three of us we cannot see how it has anything to do with Hellblazer.

1:17 When we saw this, our foreheads crumpled like confused people. Keanu laid his right hand on me, saying, “Don’t be afraid. I am the first and the last, 1:18 and the Living one. I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. I have the keys of Death and of Hades. Oh, wait a minute. That was the other movie. My bad. 1:19 Write therefore the things which you have seen, Cherie, and the things which are, and the things which will happen hereafter; such as riots in the street and foaming at the mouth of Alan Moore and all who serve him -- 1:20 the mystery of the valley-boy brunette which you saw playing the title role and navigating the hackneyed plot. The hour and a half of "didn't I see this movie ten years ago, with Christopher Walken?"


2:2 “I know your works, and your toil and perseverance, and that you can’t tolerate evil movies, and have tested those who call themselves script writers, and they are not, and found them false. ... 2:7 He who has an ear, let him hear what Cherie says to the assemblies. To him who overcomes I will give to rent of the NetFlix, such films with better writing, though a lower budget.


2:19 I know this was based on a good story, and lo, there were things to be appreciated about this film. There was Shia LaBeof, Rachel Weiz, Djimon Hounsou, Gavin Rossdale - and sexiest among them, Tilda Swinton, who I wish to portray with adorable ambiguity at DragonCon this coming year. 2:20 But I have this against it -- that there was not nearly enough Tilda Swinton, for whom I am now definitely a little bit gay. 2:21 Likewise, Gavin Rossdale was pitiably under-used by the retarded script writers. 2:22 I liked his suit.

2:23 But really, what a hokey plot. 2:24 To you I say, to the rest who are in the audience, as many as don’t have this teaching, who don’t know what some call ‘a comic book adaptation,’ to you I say, "You're fooling yourself, we're living in a dictatorship of product placement ads." 2:25 Nevertheless, it was somewhat amusing to see Keanu squeeze his wrists together like Wonder Woman deflecting bullets. 2:26 Also, I rather liked the thought of him coughing up blood. Perhaps I'm just mean that way.

2:27 Much fannish boy-squealing has been made of Rachel Weisz, who also appears within this film. Yea verily, she's a cutie pie 2:28 and she is very good at maintaining an "I'm going to burst into tears at any given moment" vibe. 2:29 He who has an ear, let him hear what this reviewer has only just now realized: she was the Egyptologist hottie in The Mummy movies.

22:12 Behold, I asked quickly: "What the hell was up with Lucifer? Was he even in the particular Hellblazer story upon which this travesty is ostensibly based?" 22:14 Blessed are those who have not read the comics, that they may have the right to smile stupidly as the movie plays, and do not shake their heads sadly like Jym did through the entire thing. 22:17 Though a pinstripe suit and some hair gel could turn him into Balthazar, my beloved refuses to dress as that character when we attend DragonCon, 22:18 for he feels it would amount to an endorsement of the film, which he refuses to provide. 22:19 "Party pooper," I said unto him.


22:21 The grace of the the comic gods be with all us sinners who paid full ticket price. Amen.